Confessions of a Dark Mind
by Hell's Angel-Heaven's Demon
Summary: ONESHOT! A letter, from Sirius point of view concerning his life and the parts he had to play thoughout it, maybe Sirius wasn't as pure or tainted as we all though...maybe he was somewhere in between...


My darling readers, yes I am not dead, but just hibernating while I thing up knew ideas which I will just stash them in my computer until a later date when I will finish them – hopefully.

Well, supposing someone will bother to read this – for I warn you it is not one of my best works, nor very interesting – here is a note for you:

When I wrote this, I had no idea to whom the letter was being dedicated to, as it is a trademark of mine to leave things ambiguous, at least in the beginning, but now that it is finished I have no desire to name said person – so be free to imagine whom you like

Enjoy!

Hell's Angel

**Confessions of a Dark Mind**

To one who will understand…

Firstly, I would like to warn you that this letter will only become available after my death and thus, you will have the choice of whether or not to read this letter and disclose this information, it matters not to me, after all, I am dead. I should also warn you, that once this letter is read, it will again disappear. The information will be yours but not the evidence - after all that would make it too easy, don't you think? And you more than anyone should know that nothing in life come easy. I do not know if my death shall com as a surprise or if it will be a public occurrence; nevertheless, please tell all who need to know of my departure.

Now, I know you are probably thinking: Why should I write a letter to be read after my death? Why bother? And most of all, why send it to you of all people and not someone more adequate? After all, we were not known for our friendliness, were we?

The answer is this: this letter contains one thought and feeling, one single thought, which I never allowed myself to demonstrate, not to my – mostly deceased - friends, nor companions, and for that reason alone I send it to you. You, even though I loath to admit it, will understand this better than anyone else I knew and will probably understand many things more which will not be mentioned.

I don't know why I wrote it, well maybe I do, maybe I thought you deserved to know this information, maybe I wanted to know that I was able to overcome this…obstacle…this fear…I cannot say for sure what was the reason behind this – only that there is one.

I know you will laugh, mockery becoming the first thought to enter your mind as your eyes scan through this letter - Sirius Black, fearing something, fearing himself? Surely this is just another horrible joke that man is making to torment me even after his death? That boastful, confident and imposing man, fears something? (Although I am quite sure your choice words are more elaborate) - Yes, to your surprise, I did have my fears and demons; I just hid them well so no one saw it.

Ever since I began my training and teachings at the age of 3, I had a question which no one could answer me: Why was I the one who had to uphold the Black family name? Why did I have to be born with such responsibility and power? I thought, once, that as I grew up I would find an answer to my question which didn't consist of "it being my destiny as the eldest", "you are responsible for the family honour", "you were blessed with such a gift" or "because it is my duty". I have no duty, as I am sure I need not remind you, I never had, and now I never will - I am an immoral person. I was not born to be tied by rules, surrounded by aristocracy, and suffocated by etiquette.

I despised it all - oh, don't take me wrong, I thrived in the power and authority, basked in arrogance and confidence - but I despised the fact that it depended on me, and me alone, the whole fate of one family. The pressure and demands of all to succeed and become something I did not want to be, something like _them_. I know you have a perfect idea of what I am talking about - it was the same with you, I saw it - however knowing your persona, you are now criticizing me about whining and complaining about a fate of which I have no right to complain about – after all it is more fortunate than most have, correct ?

Wrong.

I have every right, for if it wasn't enough that I was born into such a responsibility - a responsibility that I _never_ wanted to have in the first place - I was also chosen to be the _different_ one. The _shameful _heir, a _disgrace_ to the Black name and all that - because then I also held the power of change, of destruction of old and renovation of new.

I was glad, at first, when, in foolishness, I thought that by being an _outcast_ and _dishonour _it would remove my responsibilities and duty to the Black family. As you know, I was wrong. It only served to increase the pressure to succeed and to become more of what they wished me to be!

You more than anyone know very well that I did all in my power to try and dissuade them from that idiotic idea - I had the perfect chance to break free from all that I loathed in our society and took it like a starving man presented with food. I did everything I was taught not to do - befriended half-bloods, mudbloods, muggle lovers, lower classes, disrespected social allies and friends - everything! But, behind all the hope and farce, I knew that would never be enough...

You said it yourself - I was born a Black and I shall die a Black, for, once a Black always a Black. No matter how much I wished to escape I couldn't because it was engraved in me, in my soul and being. So I hid it – the Black in me - my first fear and rejection.

But I was not to have peace - now, after trying countless times my family finally decided to train Regulus to be the heir and I was relieved of my duties - now I was to be the one to bring about _change_! People were now looking up to me to be the different one from such a family, to prove that blood-line did not determine the character nor how the person turned out, to be a live demonstration that everyone has a choice, and so, there came more pressure and responsibilities - more duty! Sure, that meant that some luxuries had to be forfeited, but I was ready to give up anything to be free of such restrictions. I was given another part to play – the part of the perfect dark-turned-light boy – and more bureaucracy to fulfil and more aristocracy to put up with.

You would not have imagined how furious I was when Albus came to talk to me about my choice "how it was perfectly acceptable to be different" and how "I would be an example for people" as well as "to maintain this course which most would benefit more from"! I had half a mind to turn back and return to what I had before - at least in there I knew, like an instinct, what I was supposed to do - even if I did despise it.

Once again I was plagued with questions of why, and as always had no answer to them but more speculation and anger. Once again I was offered power - though a different sort - for I was a Marauder and once again arrogance was at a hands reach as well as authority, everything I had before, everything which corrupts and tempts a human being. If there is one quote I have always believed in it was "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely" as I have lived with that every day of my life - I admit - I liked it.

Now you must be thinking, so the perfect Gryffindor boy is not so perfect at all - he had a dark side - and many secrets with it. True, true - I won't deny it - however, I must remember you that I was never a perfect Gryffindor boy and that I would let loose my 'Black side' once in a while - just to prove I could - to show I was not completely gone from _their_ reach.

Once I went too far, and unfortunately that brought me back to _their_ circle and good graces, in some way and not in others I suppose, and thus, with Regulus dead, I was accepted as the heir once again and forced to bare the consequences of my actions. I could not be who I was when my friends there and I could not be with them how I was here. So once again, I hid myself - it was always better to have a second option should the first fail was it not? Manipulation and cunning was what they imprinted in me, and that was what I put to use.

I played a dangerous game, then, but what would life be without them? Without the risk or the temptation to give in? Without the thrills of power and the feeling of loss? I say I lived my life with as much enjoyment as life itself permitted me and have but one regret - of never allowing myself to show whom I really was without restrictions.

Certainly you realise by now that I am not a sane man? Sane people are rather tedious don't you think? But that is beside the point...I suppose that having to play two identities can do that to a person, at some point you lose yourself and do not know how to react to certain situations presented to you, or how to answer a question because you have to possible answers and reactions - can't say it helped to be sent to Azkaban - but it was due to this that I found an answer.

Before that - I will admit to you something I never told anyone - just for the pleasure of knowing I will have shocked you beyond belief.

I hated James then, I hated Remus, I have always hated Peter, and I disliked you. Strange isn't it? How conceiving two personalities can mutilate ones mind so that, in one second, his best friends twist themselves into enemies and unbearable people?

There was even a time when I considered you to be better company than them, although I would never admit it, of course.

It angered me that James could get away from his responsibilities to easily - do whatever he pleased and get away with it - and not have the burden of society and family obligations upon him. Make no mistake, I would have gladly died for him and never hand him over, but that does not diminish the envy his freedom gave me…

It angered me that Remus was always so cheerful and pleasant, especially because of his condition, and how he to seemed to be expecting me to be some kind of a redemption experiment - something to turn to as comparison when one of his theories did not turn out right - with friendship mixed in between for spice! Peter, well, I hope there is no need to explain that walking disgrace, right?

Now that you have this dark little piece of blackmail on me, let me continue, shall I? Onto the answer I came upon while brooding over in my time in Azkaban and after. Azkaban served to show me that power is always given for some reason - the Dark Lord exists so that people have someone to turn their hatred upon, Albus exists so that people have someone to see as a protector, Harry as a saviour - and it seems that I was chosen to be _graced_ with such power and choice to learn, and be useful for a future fight, to be used as reference by people who also will have a choice - people who end up in Azkaban because they did not know better - people who still haven't made peace with themselves for past mistakes, who die before creating such a peace… and I can't help but think: "This is such a fucking stupid reason! So typically heroic that I nearly puke at the thought! Why couldn't it have been another more suitable person?"

We don't choose out trials.

We make them.

I made my choice when I decided I did not want to have duty! I made my choice when I decided I did not want to have anything to do with _them!_ When I chose to be in Gryffindor - had I not chosen so, I would have followed the path shown to me at the beginning - and probably ended up in Azkaban the same way - ironic isn't it?

We may spend our whole lives looking for something better to do with ourselves, looking for ways in which to cure diseases, of redemption of past mistakes, change certain decisions, looking for freedom in a white light - but what we forget it that there is no white light - there is no way to change what has been done. Once tainted, always tainted - what we must do it turn towards our dark wings, our dark soul, for freedom instead to trying to make them white...

Farewell my friend - for yes, I consider you, if not a friend, a confidant, even if you may not - and I hope this come of use to you. When you are in need of it, I am sure it will become available again, for this is my...well, call it my _gift_...to those who have to live at the crossing of two opposites.

Remember….

_Dark Wings are just as useful as White ones._

**Sirius Black**


End file.
